In a break from Janathon tradition I’m reporting in early today. I’ve already clocked up 11km, but this is a mere taster for the run later tonight, which will be…. erm…well it’ll probably be 11km as well, but I should be breaking 20km today by a fair margin. This should help me claw back lost ground to “fletchea” who has currently overtaken me as the Janathon running god. I want to type a blog post opening in CAPITAL LETTERS again, so retaking the lead is vital and will be done at any cost. I’m not sure who this “fletchea” is – a modicum of investigation has proved he is a credible threat and may actually be a more committed runner than me. But we shall see. We shall see.
Now, you might be thinking “Oh runningthomas, how come you are so fast and can run so far? How can you motivate yourself to achieve so much on a daily basis? Why are you so dashingly handsome? Why…..” STOP! Please. I am a modest man. I can’t take any more praise. However, since you asked so nicely, I thought I’d share some of my running and fitness tips with you today so that you too can emulate my incredible running prowess, if not my ravishing good looks.
Tip 1. Diet.
The only reason to run is so you can eat more crap, guilt free. It doesn’t matter what you eat really – so long as you don’t eat plastic or metal staples (try to remember that). However, my key dietary tip for increased running performance is Tesco Value Digestive Biscuits which I import at vast expense from the UK. Tesco Value Digestive Biscuits are a cheap copy of the McVitie’s Digestive Biscuit a tentpole for British culture and values. If you’re American and reading this (and aren’t still pondering the difference between pants and underpants) then a Digestive Biscuit is essentially what you call a “cookie” and has the texture of a Granola Bar. I think – I can’t pretend to know much about American foodstuffs, though I did once eat a corndog in Seattle. Anyway, back to the biscuits. The Tesco Value versions are cheaper, nastier and leave a taste and texture in the roof of your mouth not unlike wood glue. But they are the cornerstone of sustainable, powerful athletic performance. Trust me on this. For quick-release energy, post-workout recovery, endurance work, whatever, all you need are about 6 of these before you start.
Then 6 once you’ve finished.
Sometimes 6 during.
To be honest, you might as well finish the packet now, you greedy so and so.
Tip 2. Sleep.
Any trained athlete will tell you sleep is important. It’s important for your body to repair itself and for your mind to achieve a poised spiritual balance. Idiots. Trained athletes know nothing. My sleep regime follows what I call the drool – five – shout methodology. To begin you need to stay up as late as you can – 2am or 3am is ideal. You need to reach a stage you black out on the sofa while playing a videogame and wake up an hour later with congealed drool on your chin and a late-night Open University program on the Jacobite Rebellion flickering away on the TV set. You then need to drag yourself to bed for 4 or 5 hours and then get woken up by your partner at 8am shouting at you for forgetting to let the cats out, one of whom has peed in the kids LEGO box and shat on the rug. You then need to spend the first 2 or 3 hours of the day in a haze as 40% of your neurons haphazardly fire at random and you repeatedly drink stiff coffees to return to a near human state. Following this plan to the letter should give you a post-lunch window of 2 or 3 hours where you feel good enough to run – or curl into a foetal ball on the floor and sob – and I bet you you’ll perform better than the “I go to bed at 9pm and wake up to a bowl of organic muesli” crowd.
It will be tough – but remember every day you follow my methodology you will toughen up your body and make it better able to suffer the rigours of sustained athletic performance. Twin this tip with the biscuits in Tip 1 and you’re already 90% of the way to hassle-free long distance running performance.
Tip 3. Equipment
Buy cheap. Always buy the cheapest stuff you can. This way you not only support borderline despotic regimes around the world that exploit their workforces but also get the slightly electric tingly feel you can only get on your nipples with a truly cheap running top. Cheaper trainers are best too. You may be tempted to bow to the “knowledgeable” salesperson who insists that paying double or triple what any sane person would pay for a trainer is a good idea. It isn’t. There is nothing better than a shop own-brand running trainer which looks like it was stitched together by someone holding a needle between their bum cheeks. Cheaper trainers are always more comfortable. More expensive trainers try to mould your foot to them. “Hey!” they say “I cost £150, I’m an expensive bit of kit, you need to be doing things my way!” whereas your typical cheap shoe just shrugs its shoulders and goes “whateverrrr“. Lazy shoes make for better running shoes. For sure, one day they’ll fall apart as you’re running along, like a scene from Police Camera Action, shredding into bits and blinding anyone following close behind you in a cloud of rubber and leather fragments, but until then I assure you your feet will be lovin’ it.
So that’s it. Simple eh? You might be asking why with so many running websites and magazines out there nobody else seems to be highlighting these three tips as logical and simple places to start as part of a structured performance improvement plan. That’s because nobody else understands running and biomechanics as well as wot I do.
The proof, as I like to say, is in the results. All I can say is try my method and if you don’t see results after 30 days then I’ll give you your money back. PHONE TODAY.