Have you ever used a tin of magic expanding gap filler?
It always seems like such a good idea at the time, but inevitably the only things it manages to fill are your fingers, hair, nearby furniture and animals rather than the actual gap. Like superglue (a glue that only bonds fingers together and nothing else) expanding gap filler foam is notable by its inability to actually fill gaps. So it was with some trepidation today I picked up a can to try to fill a small crack in a wall. The nozzle of the can was missing, so I carefully custom made a replacement. I then scaled a ladder and began to delicately apply the foam to the gap.
5 minutes later, looking a little like the Michelin man, I descended in a cloud of foam and ran to the bathroom to try to scrub the bloody stuff off my hands, arms, face and legs.
Obviously the superglue and expanding foam manufacturers had shared some patents, as it was nearly impossible to remove. Soap? No. Oven cleaner? No. Pure alcohol? No. In desperation I tried scrubbing at my fingertips with a sheet of kitchen roll. I now had large bits of kitchen roll stuck to my hand, as well as the original foam. All very amusing for everyone else.
Not so amusing for ol’ tissue hands.
In desperation my partner searched on the Internet for a natural means of removal. So, it was that I found myself 5 minutes later with my hands smeared in olive oil and inside a pair of surgical rubber gloves. I needed plenty of convincing that this was a cure she had genuinely found on the internet, and not some cruel trick/perverted sex game. But I eventually relented and prepped for surgery. The internet had said “leave them on as long as possible”.
So, for two hours I wandered round like an oily mime act.
2 things I can report about having your hands coated in olive oil and then placed inside surgical gloves:
1) You can still operate a capacitive touch screen. I might mention this to Apple.
2) You can’t play a guitar. Well, you can, but the only strings that sound are the ones you aren’t pressing down.
After removing the gloves miraculously an lot of the glue had gone (thank you Internet!). But there was still quite a lot of it, and bits of tissue paper too, so my hands aren’t going to be appearing in any Fairy commercials any time soon. I’m sure it’ll rub off eventually. At least I hope so.
But anyhoo, the running. Just over 20km today. “That’s a lot!” I hear you cry. Yes, the duvet was chucked to the floor, and I headed out twice, the second into sub zero conditions, desperate to push myself back up the leaderboard.
It wasn’t pleasant. The cold froze the tissue paper to my fingertips. But I did it.